Ducks on the Dash

Hi! I know I haven’t blogged in a few weeks.  I can write excuse after excuse but the simple truth is that I just haven’t had anything I’ve wanted to share.  I’ve been holding my crazy life and the ups and downs close to my heart.  I’ve always wanted this space to be a real, but positive place to share without complaining or whining.

But sometimes I just need to whine. Life can get crappy.  Really crappy.  But still be great.  Sounds a little bi-polarish, right?  Don’t worry, I  question if I am on a weekly basis.  And I’ve come the the conclusion…… I don’t care.   I am me.  Flaws and all. And brutally honest about where I currently am at in my life.

I miss my husband.

Let me rephrase that, I miss the man that I married on May 12, 2012.   Yes, I’m still married to him.  Yes, I will jump in front of a bus for him.  Yes, if you so much as look at him wrong now, I have the inner strength and ability to throat punch you without a second thought.  I love my husband with every fiber in me.

But I miss him.  Or rather, I miss Preston 1.0.  When I married my gentle giant, he crowned me to “Queen” status and spoiled me endlessly.  I’m not a materialistic person, so it didn’t bother me when the constant weekend getaways or the fancy 5-star restaurants ended.  It’s the romantic, let me fill your love-language tank up, can’t wait to talk to your best friend kind of stuff I miss .

My crown got knocked off when Preston’s brain injury came along.  Preston 1.0 was replaced by someone that we’ve all had to get to know, including himself.  Preston 2.0 can be ornery, emotional, selfish, and just plain ol’ mean.  On particularly bad days, I’d love to go have a good cry on Preston 1.0’s shoulder and seek advice on how to handle 2.0.

Some days, like today, Preston is locked deep within himself .  You’ll get tiny bits and pieces of him here and there, but for the most part, he is in his own world…. lost in his IPad or into marathon of Criminal Minds.  He’ll do what you ask him, but almost like a puppet.  It breaks my heart.  Literally breaks my heart.  This man has an intelligence that is off the charts, yet he battles his mind daily.

With a brain injury, you try to control what you can.  Preston has 3 rubber ducks that sit on the dash of his car.  Let those ducks get knocked down or slid around and you will see Preston 2.0 get agitated really, really quick. It’s not right is his world until his rubber ducks are back in their spots.    He can’t handle the gas gauge getting lower than a certain spot.  I quit placing things in his buggy on our grocery shopping outings.  That’s a huge no-no and you will get your feelings hurt. The list goes on…..  it wears me out.  I can’t even get angry and explode….. because he sincerely, genuinely can not help it. (It took a neuro-psych evaluation to make me understand that. It’s nothing personal .)

Then there’s those sweet moments when you’re riding down the road and he just randomly blurts out, “I love you, Sunshine”.   And you look over and see that Preston 1.0 has made a rare appearance.  Those rare moments outweigh all the ugly moments.  Every single one of them.

My Preston 1.0, 2.0, or 3.0 is truly my gift from God.  God knows every challenge that we have had, currently have, and will have.  He’s put the perfect job and support system in place to make sure that my own emotional needs are met and that I have safe, Christian friends to vent and seek encouragement.

Sometimes, I catch myself being envious of  “normal” marriages.  How great would it be if Preston could drive and whisk me off to Edisto again?  What if we could do this or do that? What if I could let my guard down and just cry myself to sleep on his shoulder one night? I catch myself wanting to tell a wife how blessed she is. Or tell the husband that he shouldn’t take his wife for granted. What if…. what if ….. what if……

One thing I do know is that we may not be living the life we planned…. but we are living the one God chose for us.

And that’s good enough.

 

The beancounter